I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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