I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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