i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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