Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
