The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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