two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
