So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
