I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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