Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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