You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
