i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
