I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
