I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
