she looked like the before picture.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
