Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
