she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
