Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
