god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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