i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
