you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
