I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
