Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
