apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
