I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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