my phone needs a breathalizer
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
