Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
