My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
