How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
