I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize