I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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