my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
