you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize