I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize