My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Randomize
