the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
