I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
