It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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