Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
