Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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