i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
