You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
