I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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