You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
