In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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