he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
