i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
