Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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