When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
