Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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