A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
