And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
