If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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