We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
