Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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