It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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