There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
