Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
