and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize