Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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