It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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