Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
