??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
