Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
